How many books and articles have you read about why so many women seem to have no interest in sex, and how many self-help guides have you turned to in order to understand why the intimate spark has gone out of your own relationship or marriage? These guides may have lists of reasons why women who once loved sex and who were very sexual creatures are suddenly somewhat sluggish in the bedroom, and why wives are just not responsive as they once were.
Many of those reasons will be true and in some cases, more than one may apply. There is one reason, however, as to why women often no longer enjoy sex, and this reason seems to be overlooked in far too many guides, journals, books, articles, and sex columns.
Consider first the most common reasons women lose their sex drive:
1. Physical exhaustion. When you’re young, you have all the energy in the world, and you have far fewer responsibilities than you do when you hit your 30s and 40s. As anyone, male or female, gets older they get more physically tired, and they have to spend what little energy they have on working, taking care of the children, taking care of the home, and even taking care of elderly parents, along with many other responsibilities. This leaves precious little energy left over for sexual activity.
2. Being self-conscious. A young woman with thin thighs and perky breasts may be very eager to show off her nubile body to her lover, but a woman in her 40s whose had a child or two may not be so comfortable. She may be thinking, even subconsciously, that her husband or partner is dissatisfied with her and her appearance, and so she begins to avoid sex altogether.
3. Hormone imbalances. Both men and women can suffer from hormone imbalances that affect their sex drive. For women, this can happen well before menopause and may also be affected by childbirth. She may not be producing the amount of estrogen she once was, or may have an overabundance of estrogen, and these two extremes can greatly affect her sexuality.
4. Changing roles. When a woman becomes a wife and mother, she may no longer see herself as a sexual creature, at least not as she once did. She may have the idea that there are certain things a mother doesn’t do, and she may have a hard time setting aside the role of “wholesome mom” to become a sexualized partner to her husband or partner.
And the one reason that many people don’t address when it comes to a woman’s lack of sexual response?
5. You. Advice columnists, health experts, your fuck buddies at the bar, and so many others can theorize day and night as to why a woman is not responding to sex, but sometimes it just boils down to the fact that she is no longer responding to you, her partner.
This can be the result of a few different things. A man who ignores his hygiene, lets his weight get out of control, who smokes, or is otherwise no longer physically attractive may not get a response from a woman. It may also be a man’s personality that is causing a woman to shut him out; if a man is rude to her all day, ignores her all day, or otherwise neglects their relationship, he probably will not get a response in the bedroom. Women have a hard time compartmentalizing their relationships, meaning they cannot set aside problems and stresses in one aspect of the relationship in order to enjoy another.
Men may be able to have an argument with someone and then also have sex with them because they don’t see the two as having anything to do with one another, but this typically is not how it works for women. Women respond to the man as a person and to the relationship as a whole when it comes to sexuality.
A man’s approach to sex may also be an issue.
When two people are dating, the man often woos the woman and is romantic in many ways, or may spend more time with her overall. This encourages the woman to be responsive to him sexually. After a couple have been married for some time, the only romance a woman may get is the sound of the TV being turned off! If sexual activity itself has become rushed and boring with the man just worrying about his own satisfaction, this too can be an issue for the woman, as she decides it’s just not worth the bother.
Understanding these issues for women is the first step to addressing them, which is a responsibility both partners should consider. A woman owes it to her partner to be healthy and responsive in all areas of their relationship, and a man owes it to his partner to ensure he’s doing his part to create a healthy and satisfying relationship as well.